I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
