did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
My ass is underappreciated
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
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