i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
