I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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