You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
