I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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