PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
