You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
