You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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