: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
