Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
