I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
