Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My liver just had a heart attack.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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