Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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