I faked an abortion last night.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Too much gin, very little bucket
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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