It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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