I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
