he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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