I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
