he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
