shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
