Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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