I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
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