Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
So squirting runs in the family.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
