guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
