my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
