Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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