this beer tastes like vomit already
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
