OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Randomize
