This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
What a dumb baby whore.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
