I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
