I will die if light touches me.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just had sex on a roof
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
