You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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