shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
