what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
