god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
