I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
