He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
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