I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
whose parrot is this?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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