I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Randomize
