I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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