what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
