She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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