My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
