I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
