Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
