my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
it was like having sex with a tree stump
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
