i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
