I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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