peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
